Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
