About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
