i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
