im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize