Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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