we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
