I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
