You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
