My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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