I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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