Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
