It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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