i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
