Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
