Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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