The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Is Oprah even human
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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