You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
