so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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