I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
