Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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