I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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