We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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