Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
