Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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