I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
