i just had sex bonerless
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
