Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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