Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
