Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
