I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
