My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
