so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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