Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize