There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize