Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
