when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize