The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
pop tarts are not kleenex
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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