turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
