how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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