This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
