I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
