I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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