Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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