I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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