i think my tv is drunk
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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