I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
