I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
