Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
