Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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