im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
