i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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