Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
