There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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