If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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