I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
