The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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