he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
