so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I wish there were birth control emojis
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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