Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
