this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I need to align my fucking chakras
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
