Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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