Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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