she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
