no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
