In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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