the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
