We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I could fuck to npr.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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