her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
