Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
