Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
