I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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