your room smells of hookers.
And success
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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